


Between the Lines

by syncopate (orphan_account)



Category: SHINee
Genre: F/M, M/M, POV Outsider, Very OC-centric, take that as a warning if you will
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-07-10 11:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6983044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/syncopate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eunmi has known Jonghyun and Kibum for most of her life, and has never considered their relationship to mean anything more than friendship. But one year before her friends graduate, everything she thinks she understands is turned on its head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Between the Lines

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [Colorful World fic fest](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1050697/colorful-world-shinee-fic-fest-round-1-jonghyun-key-minho-onew-shinee-taemin-ficfest)

‘There’s nothing I hate more than crowded school corridors after the last class,’ I-yeong grouses, her mouth turned downwards 

 

‘Last week you said thunderstorms in the middle of the day,’ Eunmi points out, attention only partly on her friend, craning her neck to look over all the heads in front of her.

 

‘Thunderstorms in the middle of the day are frustrating yes, but- what  _ are  _ you doing?’ 

 

‘Looking for Jonghyun and Kibum,’ Eunmi replies. ‘We’re supposed to have dinner together.’

 

‘Well you probably have better luck finding Kibum in  _ this _ crowd,’ I-yeong comments, scanning the crowd in her turn.

 

Eunmi lets out a reluctant laugh, ‘Don’t be mean, Jonghyun is still taller than both of us.’

 

I-yeong shrugs, her face unrepentant. ‘My shortness does nothing to negate his.’ 

 

‘You know,’ she continues, changing the subject, eyes turning almost crafty. ‘They’re always wondering if you’re secretly dating both of them.’ 

 

Eunmi chortles. ‘They? Who’s this mysterious ‘they’?’

 

‘They; people, gossips, our classmates, the school, every damn girl who’s been trying to get into Jonghyun’s pants.’

 

‘Not Kibum’s?’ Eunmi asks, humouring her friend.

 

‘Oh, Kibum could probably get the whole school, if he wanted. but he’s not as nice, so they don’t try so hard.’

 

Eunmi shakes her head, small fond smile playing on her mouth. ‘You really need to stop paying so much attention to that stupid gossip page.’

 

‘Why? It’s so easy! And it’s fun to read the things people come up with. I am a sad sad loner with only one friend, please don’t begrudge me my entertainment.’

 

‘You’ve rejected me every time I’ve asked you to hang out with me and the boys!’ 

 

‘You know and I know you love being the center of attention with them; you don’t need me there spoiling your fun.’ I-yeong softens the almost harshness of her words by sticking her tongue out. 

 

Eunmi rolls her eyes. ‘It’ll be nice if you didn’t portray me like that.’

 

‘Truth always hurts, my friend.’

 

Before Eunmi can form an appropriate reply, I-yeong says, ‘your Prince Charmings are right there.’ She points to a secluded niche near the senior classrooms and Eunmi sees them, their heads close together; one black, one silver. Jonghyun has his hand on Kibum’s neck, and is whispering animatedly into his ear. Kibum is looking at him with that simultaneously affectionate and exasperated smile he usually wears with Jonghyun; the one Eunmi knows means  _ you’re kind of dumb but you’re my friend and you’re important to me so i’ll listen. _

 

‘Which one would you date, if you had the chance?’ I-yeong asks dreamily, also eyeing the two boys.

 

‘I've never thought of that,’ Eunmi says, her tone shocked.

 

‘Seriously? Interesting.'

 

‘Hardly interesting,' Eunmi says. 'We're just friends.'

 

‘Well, the rumour mill says if you guys aren’t already in a happy ménage à trois, it’ll happen soon,’ I-yeong says, her eyes widening comically behind her glasses. ‘And you know i always trust the rumour mill.’

 

‘Oh go home, you.’

 

I-yeong darts away, laughing. and Eunmi makes her way to her childhood friends.

 

~-~

 

When Eunmi was six, her family moved from Busan to Seoul to work with one of her father’s old friends, setting up a new advertising company. She was torn away from the life she was used to; friends, school, and her grandparents who lived just two doors down. Naturally, she hadn’t reacted well. Seven was too old for tantrums, her parents told her, but it hadn’t stopped her from throwing too many of them anyway.

 

Tantrums were easy, if you thought they would lead to something. They used to. They would lead to new toys, new clothes, being allowed to attend a friend’s party at their condominium with a pool. But tantrums about moving away had gotten her nothing. And the nothingness seemed to amplify itself when she was standing with her parents on the doorstep of an unfamiliar house, getting welcomed in by strangers. 

 

‘There are two little boys here, around your age,’ her mother whispered. ‘It’ll be fun.’

 

Eunmi decided her mother was trying too hard. That everyone was trying too hard. Her father speaking in that artificially boisterous tone, her mother with a smile that seemed far too bright, all the various adults who came up to her and feigned interest in whatever opinions she might have. ‘Do you think I’m stupid?’ She wanted to ask. Instead, without warning, she began to cry. It was the kind of crying her parents hated, the kind of crying that could go on with no sign of stopping, the kind of crying that had gotten her everything she ever wanted. Except this one thing. 

 

The women fluttered over her, offered her snacks, pleaded with chocolate, her parents pulled her to the side and threatened physical punishment, but the tears wouldn’t stop. Until two small bodies pushed their way through the legs of the adults and a tiny arm shoved a soft plush rabbit into her face. ‘This is Tokki,’ a voice said, the childish voice oddly the calmest one in the room. ‘I love him a lot, but you can borrow him. He’s helpful when you cry.’ Maybe it was the shock of it all, maybe it was the velvety texture of the toy, or the kindness she seemed to be able to glean from its black shiny button eyes, but it stopped the tears. And when she looked up, she was met with the steady sharp-eyed gaze of a chubby boy. ‘I’m Kibum,’ he said. ‘And this is Jonghyun.’ Kibum lifted his left hand, where his fingers were interlocked with those of another, shorter, boy. ‘He doesn’t talk much.’ 

 

‘I do so talk,’ Jonghyun muttered, his big eyes rising to stare at Eunmi. ‘Do you want to play with us?’ 

 

~-~

 

Sometimes Eunmi thinks about the day they met and she would break into hysterical giggles. She remembers the domineering way Kibum would instruct them in their process of play, the way Jonghyun would willingly go along with whatever idea Kibum came up with, the way they sometimes started speaking in a manner that was more looks and touches than words. It should have made her feel left out, but instead it just fascinated her.

 

Almost 12 years later, it still does.

 

Everything seemed so much simpler then, when boys and girls were just boys and girls, and friendships were all taken at face value. When what mattered wasn't who you were or how you looked but how long you could play together. Everything  _ was _ simpler, before they had hit the teenage years and puberty, before the baby fat melted off Kibum's body, and before Jonghyun learned the power of lean muscle and enchanting voice. Before she started noticing how eyes followed Kibum’s back and hips as he walked down the hallways and classmates began to pass her notes to give to Jonghyun and before she discovered an uncomfortable awareness of how incredibly attractive her friends are. 

 

Not that she wants to date them particularly. It’s just disconcerting.

 

Kibum is sharp edges and dangerous angles, broad shoulders narrowing into slim hips; high cheekbones and a piercing stare, and a mouth that she once heard described as the perfect shape to kiss. For Kibum, a sarcastic sneer is as easily given out as a sincere smile. And sometimes she thinks he uses snide remarks to hide how much he really cares. Eunmi has never seen him cry; she doesn’t actually think anyone in the school really has. But sometimes, when Jonghyun says something quiet and a cryptic look passes between the two boys, she thinks that Jonghyun probably has.

 

Jonghyun is softer, like comfort. Bleached hair falling messily into large tender eyes; the sort of eyes that promise to keep secrets safe; kind words whispered in a melodious voice, slender body belied by taut muscle. Where Kibum gives out affection lined with knife blades, Jonghyun gives it out wrapped in cotton wool. And the girls squeal about him unashamedly, because he’s gentle with rejection, and kind about the way he hands back hearts that are offered. The only thing sharp about Jonghyun is his jawline. 

 

They both have never had a serious relationship; casual dates and careless skinship all the give out. According to I-yeong, the general society of their high school thinks it’s weird, thinks there’s a secret they hide. But Eunmi doesn’t agree. She thinks they just haven’t found anyone they care enough to want to try for yet.

 

It really doesn’t bother her. In fact, it makes her feel kind of special; to be the only girl, apart from their mothers, and Jonghyun’s sister, to be that close to them. 

 

It amuses Eunmi that she technically has more experience than them both. 

 

At 14, she had her first boyfriend. He had come up to her, and stammered out a request. And there had been something in his eyes that interested her. They were happy, for a while. The kind of happy that first loves are, simple and innocent, and too young. Dates in amusement parks and coffee shops, chaste kisses and nervous clammy hand holding. But he was always too wary of the two older boys who watched over her with alert eyes, who she ran to instinctively in any trouble, who she told all her secrets, and all her dreams. He was threatened; he told her that once, twice. She laughed and told him it didn’t mean anything. Perhaps she brushed everything off too easily, because one day he told her he just couldn’t go on, and ran off to a simpler girl. 

 

‘Do you want us to fight him?’ Kibum asked. ‘We could, you know.’

 

‘Like you would ever get your hands dirty,’ Jonghyun scoffed. 

 

Kibum glared at Jonghyun. ‘This is no time for jokes!’

 

But Eunmi laughed through her tears, and the boys laughed too. Jonghyun ran his fingers through her hair, and Kibum kissed her cheek, and they told her she’d find another boy; that even if she didn’t, they’d be around.

 

Maybe that promise is why she doesn’t think too hard about everything they unthinkingly do for her. Little treats and gifts, silent intimidation directed towards bullies, tutoring...They are her friends, her older brother figures, she loves them, but not the way so many people seem to think. She doesn’t actually want things to change, right?

 

She doesn’t want to think about the possibility that I-yeong had presented, that maybe their disinterest in all the people who regularly offer themselves up had something to do with her. She still isn’t sure what to feel about it. Still isn’t sure if she should feel something.

 

~-~

 

Eunmi wishes that I-yeong hadn’t told her what the school thinks, hadn’t told her that people are drawing imaginary relationship markers to something she’s always seen purely as friendship. Precious, incredible, can’t do without kind of friendship, but still basically that. 

 

Yet...rumour mills are curious things, and sometimes when you listen to their stories too closely they make you see things in ways you would never have considered before. There’s no smoke without fire, they always say. 

 

So when Jonghyun comes up to Eunmi a few days later with a gigantic beam and a poster in his hand, she scrutinizes his smile, his eyes, the way his hands wave while he talks. Are there hidden meanings there she hadn’t seen before? 

 

‘You’ve been staring blankly at me for the past minute,’ Jonghyun says finally, eyes narrowing. ‘Did you hear a word I said?’ 

 

Is Jonghyun actually annoyed? It seemed a strange thing. Maybe he’s been hanging out with Kibum too much, maybe some of his snark had rubbed off. Would that be a good thing or a bad thing? What would it be like to date someone like Jonghyun?

 

‘Hello?’ Jonghyun waves a hand in front of her face. ‘Are you alright? Eunmi? You there?’

 

Eunmi jerks back into reality and Jonghyun’s words. ‘Oh god,’ she says. ‘I’m sorry, oppa. Lost in thought.’ 

 

Jonghyun grins in that easy way he always does, and ruffles her hair. ‘It’s fine,’ he replies. ‘Just wanted to ask if you want to go for Bummie’s play with me. It’s his first time playing lead. He’s so excited. You know, if he hadn’t gotten it this year, I think he would have refused to graduate. He’s such an idiot.’  Jonghyun’s smile has shifted into that indulgent one he always uses with Kibum. It usually makes Eunmi smile too, because she likes that their affection is still so evident after so many years of friendship. 

 

‘So, do you want to go with me?’ There’s an expectant look in Jonghyun’s eyes. 

 

‘It’s only February,’ she remarks, instead of answering.

 

‘Yeah,’ Jonghyun says. ‘It’s some kind of last play before the seniors go off to study their lives away.’ He makes a face.

 

Eunmi laughs, and opens her mouth to say  _ of course _ . And in any other situation, she would have. After all, they’ve gone for all of Kibum’s plays together. Even the ones where he was a side role with barely any lines. Then she remembers the rumours and the buzzing curiosity and the eyes that stare too closely at them; even now she imagines she feels them, like lasers between her shoulder blades. 

 

‘I was thinking,’ she says. ‘I could go with my friend I-yeong instead? I think she’s interested in one of the members of the club…’

 

‘Oh,’ Jonghyun’s eyes light up. ‘Which one?’

 

‘Uhm,’ Eunmi starts, flipping through a mental chart of all the names she might know from drama club and choosing one at random. ‘Gikwang.’

 

‘I doubt he’ll be there though,’ Jonghyun says thoughtfully. ‘I think Bummie said he wasn’t acting this time round. Maybe he’s doing sets! I could ask Bum to check for you?’ 

 

Why is Jonghyun always so nice? Why isn’t he more disappointed that she doesn’t want to go with him? 

 

‘No,’ Eunmi says quickly. ‘It’s fine. We’ll just go and see! She’s really shy so she would probably hate it if I did that.’ 

 

The only thing Eunmi is sure of at this point, is that I-yeong is going to kill her. 

 

‘Okay! I’ll tell Bum you want two tickets?’

 

When Eunmi nods, Jonghyun strides off, oblivious as ever to the girls peering at him from the corners of their eyes, smiling at the ones who get in his way, and waving at the people he does know. Jonghyun is a sweetheart, Eunmi thinks. He would definitely be the one she would date. Not that she wants to. Not that she thinks  _ he _ does. Except maybe…

 

This is absolutely ridiculous. Maybe  _ she _ should start a rumour about I-yeong being in love with Lee Gikwang just to let her friend understand what it feels like.

 

~-~

 

‘Did you, by any chance,’ I-yeong asks, when Eunmi sees her at their Geography class. ‘Visit a certain webpage and submit a singularly inaccurate post about me.’

 

Eunmi grins at her disgruntled friend. ‘About you and a certain drama club playboy?’

 

I-yeong’s mouth gapes a little. ‘Did you actually-’

 

‘Nah,’ Eunmi says quickly, laughing softly. ‘Someone must have heard me telling Jonghyun just now.’

 

‘How did this even come up?’ I-yeong screeches the last words too loudly and their teacher darts a glare at them. 

 

‘Miss Park, Miss Cho,’ she admonishes. ‘Please pay attention.’

 

‘I’ll get you for this later,’ I-yeong hisses.

 

Eunmi pats her shoulder mutely, biting back a grin. At least  _ now _ I-yeong knows that some pieces of gossip have no bearings in truth at all.

 

~-~

 

‘So I’m supposed to go for this  _ play _ and pretend I’m going for this Gikwang person just because you freaked out and started thinking that Jonghyun was asking you on a date.’

 

‘Why do you say  _ play _ like its definition is debatable. And yes, that’s correct. You really  _ are _ smart, aren’t you?’

 

‘Flattery will get you nowhere.’

 

‘ _ Please  _ I-yeong. I overreacted and it’s dumb and I can’t go back and tell him I want to go with him now!’

 

‘Why not?  _ You _ said there was nothing going on.  _ You _ said you were all “just friends”.’

 

‘It’s just- It’s embarrassing!’

 

‘ _ Why _ am I friends with you?’

 

‘Because I’m the only one who can tolerate you?’

 

‘You owe me.’

~-~

 

‘So Gikwang huh,’ Kibum says, when he hands them the tickets before the first class the next day. And the colour that flushes I-yeong’s cheeks is apt. Kibum laughs shortly, raising a single eyebrow. 

 

‘Don’t tease the girl, Bummie,’ Jonghyun says, flicking Kibum’s ear gently. Kibum spins around and mock glares at him and as they start bickering, I-yeong pulls Eunmi away.

 

‘I. Hate. You,’ she declares. ‘How long do I have to put on this charade?’

 

‘Just until the play?’ Eunmi’s grin is stiff and awkward, even on her own lips. She looks over at where Kibum is poking Jonghyun in his waist where he knows he’s ticklish, and her smile relaxes. ‘I’m sorry about the mess. But this is your fault because you made me think too hard!’

 

‘It’s amazing that no one has ever considered the possibility of them being into each other,’ I-yeong remarks, gaze also wandering to the pair. Jonghyun has Kibum’s wrists in his hands now and they are both laughing.

 

‘They’ve been friends  _ forever _ , even before  _ I _ met them, I guess if something could have happened it would have long ago.’ Eunmi shrugs, and dismisses the notion. I-yeong tilts her head and then seems to give up on it too. The level of skinship between Jonghyun and Kibum is school legacy and after four years in the same school without any clear indication of anything more, speculation, if there had been any, has quietly dissolved. It now seems a leap that is almost too ridiculous. 

 

‘Besides,’ Eunmi says, mischievous grin lighting on her face. ‘Isn’t it true that most people think they’re both in love with me?’

 

‘Dear God, you egoistical child.’

 

~-~

 

‘I  _ swear _ Jonghyun is more excited that us,’ I-yeong mutters, as they make their way into the theatre. Jonghyun had managed to get a seat right in the front row. The girls are slightly further behind.

 

‘He’s more excited that Kibum even,’ Eunmi says. ‘He’s like this overexcited supportive grandmother or something.’ 

 

‘ _ Grandmother, _ ’ I-yeong repeats, snorting.

 

They watch as Jonghyun burbles over in excitement, as he waves the single pink flower he had bought, as he carefully reads the program, beaming when Kibum’s pages come into view.

 

‘He’s weird,’ I-yeong remarks.

 

‘He’s really proud of Kibum,’ Eunmi replies, shrugging, attention already moving to the stage.

 

I-yeong nods her head, but a pensive expression darts across her face. An expression that Eunmi cannot question because the lights dim and the play begins.

 

~-~

 

The play is more complex than she had expected -- aliens, torture, gore, and characters who aren’t whatever they initially seem to be. Eunmi has a little trouble at first catching the themes and identifying the characters, and it all seems rather too twisted for her own taste. But Kibum is brilliant, she thinks. Believable in his role as the rather psychotic yet sympathetic human, who decides to take upon himself the burden of saving the world. 

 

‘He’s good,’ I-yeong says faintly, after the curtains come down. ‘I’m surprised.’

 

‘I’m not,’ Eunmi says, smiling. ‘I told you he was good, amazing even.’ 

 

They stand up from their seats, momentarily disorientated, until they notice there is a small crowd of people walking backstage, and when they see no sign of Jonghyun, they assume that’s where he has slipped off to as well. I-yeong shrugs when Eunmi looks over and they make their way carefully down the stairs and behind the curtains.

 

It’s crowded; too many people talking, laughing, and every face seems like that of a stranger. When they catch sight of Jonghyun, he’s in a shadowed corner earnestly talking to Kibum. It seems serious, and Eunmi thinks it’s a little incongruous that they are having such an intense conversation in the middle of the din. Kibum is holding on to the pink flower, holding on too tight, the bones of his knuckles pressing white against his skin. And as he notices the two girls approach, Eunmi can swear there is blatant relief that streaks past his face for a second.

 

‘What were you talking about oh so seriously?’ Eunmi asks, grinning at them.

 

‘Nothing for you to worry about,’ Kibum replies, bumping at a distracted Jonghyun with his hip.

 

‘Yeah,’ Jonghyun says faintly. ‘Nothing.’

 

Eunmi has the strangest sensation that they are both lying, but figured there’s no point delving into it now. 

 

‘How did you find the show?’ Kibum asks, smiling. And Eunmi decides to take the cue and change the subject. It’s easy to gush about the play, about his acting, about the complexity of the script. Easier than wondering why Jonghyun is so quiet, and why he is looking at the two of them talking with that strange, lost expression in his eyes.

 

‘Jjong and I are going for dinner later,’ Kibum says. ‘You two want to come along?’

 

‘ _ Me _ too?’ I-yeong asks.

 

‘Of course,’ Kibum says lightly. ‘We’ve always wanted to know who Eunmi’s best friend is.’

 

‘Unless, of course,’ he adds, mischief sparking in his eyes. ‘You want me to go find that guy people are saying you like….’

 

‘No,’ I-yeong says, shaking her head vigorously. ‘No no no.’ She looks over to Eunmi with a mute appeal for help.

 

‘We decided he’s not really her type,’ Eunmi says, firmly. 

 

Kibum raises a single eyebrow, but lets it go.

 

‘Are you  _ sure _ I can go?’ I-yeong whispers in her ear, when Kibum leaves to grab his stuff and they are left with the still silent Jonghyun.

 

‘Yes!’ Eunmi says. ‘They’re curious about you.’

 

‘Why do I feel like I’m meeting a prospective spouse’s parents? God.’

 

‘You’re an idiot, shut up.’

 

When Eunmi turns to Jonghyun, intending to pry into his uncharacteristic lack of words, he’s watching them with a lopsided smile on his lips. But any questions she wants to ask is lost to Kibum’s appearance like a tornado. He herds them all out of the building, calls a taxi and somehow they end up at Kibum’s favourite noodles place.

 

‘You’re kind of...domineering,’ I-yeong remarks.

 

‘Yes,’ Kibum says. ‘Some people say it’s my charm.’ Eunmi doesn’t miss the flicker of his eyes in Jonghyun’s direction, but Jonghyun doesn’t make a sound in return. On a normal day, Jonghyun would snort, Jonghyun would roll his eyes, Jonghyun would comment on it being  _ anything _ but a charm. Eunmi wonders what exactly they were talking about before being interrupted, why Jonghyun's face had been so serious, why Kibum's fingers had been clenched so tightly around the stem of the flower. Why Jonghyun was so mute now, something forbidding lurking behind his eyes.

 

Kibum fills the silence with anecdotes of rehearsals, harmless gossip of the relationships between each actor, the frustrations with getting the props right, the adventures into determining costumes. According to him, he had a part to play in nearly every segment of the play. There's a luster of falseness over the words though, and Eunmi thinks he's playing it up, being deliberately obnoxious so Jonghyun would snap and bring him down to earth. Like he usually did. But it doesn't happen, Jonghyun stays quiet during the entire meal, answering in soft monosyllables even when Kibum drags the topic to him. He watches the three of them talking with an almost bitter smile playing on his mouth, and Kibum sometimes looks at him with an inexplicable panic in his eyes. Eunmi wonders again, what happened in that conversation they had interrupted.

 

~-~

 

'Kibum is a little…' I-yeong starts saying, later, as they make their way home together; Kibum tugging Jonghyun in a different direction, still manfully trying to make conversation with the oddly silent boy.

 

'Overbearing?' Eunmi provides. 'Aggressive, over the top?'

 

'Scary,' I-yeong decides, cracking a tiny smile.

 

'I think he was a bit weird today,' Eunmi says. 'Weirder than usual.'

 

'Jonghyun was really quiet. I didn't think he was the quiet type.'

 

'Yeah, today was just generally strange,' Eunmi muses, voice trailing off.

 

~-~

 

It continues being strange, like the world had tipped a little, gone off kilter. Like something foreign had slithered underneath the skin of the two boys, turned them into counterfeit copies of themselves. Turned Jonghyun stony and silent sometimes, turned Kibum too chipper, too happy, too intent on acting like things are what they always were. 

 

Eunmi wants to ask them, but cannot find the words, cannot seem to penetrate the shield that has gone up between them and her, secrets hidden in the way Jonghyun looks at Kibum, at the way Kibum shies away from his gaze; questions passed over with slight smiles and affectionate touch, subjects too quickly and abruptly changed.

 

It takes almost three weeks for it all to pass, for the strained awkwardness between her two friends to dissipate, for Jonghyun to reach out to Kibum again, and for Kibum to speak in calm sentences, letting quiet pass without the need to fill it with too many words, too little breath. But there's still something thorny winding it's way in the spaces between them, and sometimes Jonghyun starts a sentence only for it to be cut off at its root by Kibum. 

 

'Are you guys okay?' She finally asks. They glance at each other for a heartbeat, then look at her with twin smiles and nod. And even though there's a weird taste of a lie in the air, she has to take them at their word.

 

~-~

 

'Expecting chocolates today?' I-yeong asks, when White Day comes along.

 

Eunmi grins lightly. 'Probably only from Kibum and Jonghyun,' she says. 

 

'Ah, the ever present Prince Charmings,' I-yeong replies. 

 

Then she tips her head to the side, eyes drifting over Eunmi's profile. 'You do know that this tradition you have is one of the things that fuel the rumours right?'

 

'People can think whatever they want to think,' Eunmi says, firmly. 'I don't particularly care anymore.'

 

I-yeong laughs. and it's a little mocking and disbelieving. 'I think you do care,' she says, deliberately ignoring Eunmi's attempts at changing the subject. 'I think you want them to be in love with you, more than you want people to believe. I think you think they are and it makes you happier than you think it should.'

 

Eunmi looks away, and is thankful when I-yeong doesn't say anything else. It's truer than she wants to think about, it's the kind of ending that she had subconsciously wanted, the kind of ending she thinks makes sense. And it's rush of adrenaline to think that they could be in love with her, waiting quietly for a good time to push the friendship further. 

 

Giving chocolates to each other had started out as a joke. When Eunmi was 12, she had decided to teach herself to make chocolate, influenced by the girls in her class whispering about Valentine's Day. She had invited the boys over to help in the experiment. They had made a mess, a delicious mess, but a mess nonetheless. 

 

She had brought two carefully decorated packages of chocolates to school the next day,  and shoved them into the boys' hands, and they had laughed. Those had been the only chocolates they had accepted that day. When White Day came along, and they did the same to her, the strange tradition had been born. It didn't mean anything, and sometimes her girl friends would tell her it made a mockery of the occasions. But to Eunmi it was harmless fun, and something she looked forward to.

 

This year hadn't been any different. She had carefully made and wrapped up two packages for Jonghyun and Kibum, and they had accepted with humour and easy laughter. Again, the only boxes they accepted that day. She hadn't expected anything different. But today, anticipation she hasn't asked for spikes along her veins and she wonders if she secretly hopes this year will be different.

 

~-~ 

 

When Kibum sneaks into her classroom just before the first lesson starts and whispers that he'll meet her for lunch break, it should have been the first sign that something is off. Firstly, there's no Jonghyun, secondly, they don't usually meet for lunch, and lastly, Kibum is edgy and nervy, like an electric current is running over the hairs on his skin. She agrees, and he flashes her a grin, and she tells herself she's thinking too much. 

 

At lunch, he passes her chocolate wrapped up in a pretty pink bow and then matter of factly requests for a date. She blinks at him once, twice, and shakes her head violently, sure she had misheard. But Kibum stares at her seriously, and she has a feeling that he might mean it. 

 

'But I'm not in love with you!' She declares, because even if she had secretly wanted this, she hadn't thought it would actually happen. 'And I didn't think  _ you  _ liked  _ me. _ '

 

When she stares too intently, he looks away, as if alarmed by her eyes. He shrugs non-committedly. 'We could just try and see what happens.'

 

'You don't seem to really want this either,' she tells him, scrutinizing him carefully. 'Why are you asking?'

 

'But I  _ do _ want this,' he tells her, and when he looks at her, his gaze is sincere and soft, and there's a certain breathlessness that enters her lungs. 'Let's try?'

 

'Okay,' she says quietly, her mouth moving like it's a separate being, momentarily thrown off by how beautiful this boy is. 'Okay.'

 

When he grins at her, dimpled and stunning, it's weird but, she swears her heart jumps.

 

Is this what it means to fall in love?

 

~-~

 

Jonghyun breaks the stillness when he arrives, mouth moving a mile a minute, telling a story about a maths teacher and complaining about Kibum not waiting for him after class but it comes to an abrupt stop when Kibum fluidly slides a hand over Eunmi's. 

 

'Did I miss something?' His voice has gone strained and stiff, shoulders almost rigid. 

 

'We're going to try dating,' Kibum tells him, and Eunmi doesn't think she's hallucinating when she sees a tinge of aggression and rebellion in the look that he casts at Jonghyun. Jonghyun looks down at their hands, and something falls over his face, something terrifyingly like agony. And then it dissolves away. 

 

He looks at them with an awkward grin, lifts a pack of chocolates and waves it around, and says, 'I guess this would be inappropriate now, huh?' His laugh is far more bitter than sweet, and it sounds like it's hurting his throat. 'I have to go,' he tells him, readjusting his guitar strapped around him that she hadn't noticed. 'I have a meeting with my music teacher.' Eunmi doesn't point out that he hadn't mentioned it before, or that if that was true, why would he be talking to Kibum about waiting for him? There's something sad swimming in Jonghyun's eyes, kin to that mute silence of that dinner all those weeks ago. 

 

When he walks away, her heart lurches. When she looks over, Kibum is still eating, steady and calm, nothing to reveal that he had been affected at all by Jonghyun's excitable entrance or curt exit. 'Is Jonghyun oppa okay?' She asks him.

 

'He's probably taken by surprise by this,' Kibum indicates the space between them, finger darting from her to him. 'He'll come around.'

 

'He looked upset,' she says, remembering that strange pain that had crossed his face. 

 

'Probably his lonely boy persona acting up again,' Kibum replies, staring at his food, for all the world uncaring.

 

'You don't have to be mean,' she admonishes. 

 

'He'll come round,' Kibum repeats. 'He'll get over it.' And it's only a fleeting thought, but for a moment, it sounds more like he's trying to convince himself than he is telling her.

 

'I'm going to check on him,' she says, prepared for an argument.

 

'Go ahead if you want to,' Kibum says, shrugging, eyes unmoving from his plate. 

 

It's out of character; everything that has happened today is out of character. Underneath the low buzz and thrill of being desired by one of the most wanted boys in the school, is a sense of disjointed unreality. Everything is out of sync. Everything is slightly wrong. She presses her finger and thumb to the bridge of her nose and tries to focus, tries to understand why it all feels wrong. And she can't think of anything except the sight of Jonghyun's too stiff shoulders and too forced smile, and Kibum's almost desperate conviction that Jonghyun will 'get over it.'

 

Enroute to the music department, she finds Jonghyun. He's standing by a rubbish bin, very deliberately tearing a card into tiny pieces, letting them fall like confetti among the trash. There's an almost angry look on his face. And again she wonders what exactly happened between her two friends.

 

'Oppa,' she says, walking up to him to tap him on the shoulder. He jerks a little, as if coming out of a dream. 'Are you okay?' 

 

There is artifice stuck in the ends of the smile her gives her, and his lips stretch like those of a clown, all pretense and masquerade and nothing in his eyes. 'I'm fine,' he tells her, running his hand over her hair, messing it up a bit. 'Nothing for you to worry about.' Then he turns and leaves, humming a melancholic tune under his breath. 

 

Everything is weird, she thinks again, watching Jonghyun walk away. Everything has gone sour and slanted. 

 

Just as she turns to head back to the cafeteria, her gaze is caught by a white scrap of paper lying bright against the dim grey of the floor. A tiny white jagged scrap, remnants of the card that Jonghyun had wanted to destroy. Curiosity makes her pick it up, curiosity makes her read it. 

 

_ I want you  _ it says in the slanting script she recognizes as Jonghyun's. 

 

There's a whirr in her ears and a skip hop jump of her heart, and she doesn't know what it means, but she thinks that perhaps there holds an answer to the questions she never knew she wanted to ask.

 

~-~

 

'I have a solution for you,' I-yeong says later, when Eunmi tells her everything. 'But you'll probably hate it.'

 

'Do share,' Eunmi says. 'It's probably better than the mess my brain is in right now.'

 

'Both of them are in love with you,' I-yeong says blandly. 'And now they're fighting because of it.'

 

'That's ridiculous,' Eunmi says, rejecting the idea before the words can properly register in her mind.

 

'It's the most logical,' I-yeong insists. 'Just think about it.'

 

And it does make sense, it would fit the awkwardness that had sprung up between Jonghyun and Kibum, the sudden request for a date, Jonghyun's almost illogical anger. It does make sense, but she doesn't want it to. It seems like something out of a too dramatic soap opera; love triangles and broken friendships. Certainly not something for a simple girl in an ordinary high school. Certainly not for her. 

 

'I don't know what to think,' Eunmi says quietly. And I-yeong knows better than to say anything else.

 

~-~

 

The date with Kibum isn't fantastic, isn't the dream come true like the castles too many of her classmates had drawn in the clouds when they found out, isn't anything particularly exciting. It feels almost like a normal day, like hanging out, just without Jonghyun. They go to a nearby restaurant, one of Eunmi's favourite Italian places. And she's pretty sure he's the perfect date, gentlemanly, considerate, interesting, attentive and flattering. It should make her feel giddy, should make her feel silly with affection. She should feel something electric, something thrilling running through her veins. 

 

But there's nothing. After that initial thrumming of flattery when Kibum had first asked, there had been nothing. She wonders if she's gone numb somehow, if maybe her heart isn't working quite right. Because, isn't this the correct ending of the fairy tale? Isn't this how it's supposed to be? 

 

There is guilt more than joy in her chest, when Kibum drops her off at home, and brushes his mouth over her lips. Guilt because she should feel sparks dance in the spaces between his mouth and hers, guilt because she doesn't. 

 

'It's just nerves,' she tells herself. 'It'll get better.' And if there's something strange about motivating yourself to keep working harder on what is supposed to be the beginning of a romantic relationship, she tries not to think about it.

 

~-~

 

'So how was it?' I-yeong asks, eyes glinting with too much curiosity, and Eunmi feels horrible that all she does in response is to crinkle her nose and shrug.

 

'What is that supposed to mean?' I-yeong raises an eyebrow.

 

'It was weird,' Eunmi says. 'Like I had wandered into the ending of the wrong story. It feels weird. Everything feels weird these days.'

 

'What are you going to do about it?'

 

Eunmi sighs. 'I really don't know.'

 

~-~

 

'How was the date?' Jonghyun asks in his turn. Except while I-yeong had been filled with curiosity and anticipation, Jonghyun sounds snide and bitter. 

 

'It was great,' Kibum says, enthusiasm grating to her ears.  He grins at her. 'Wasn't it?'

 

Eunmi wonders if maybe Kibum went on a date in an alternate dimension, because it hadn't been great. At least not to her. She wonders if maybe he likes her enough to pretend that what they had meant something more than she's allowing it to be. She wonders if maybe she's thinking too much again.

 

'Yeah,' she says, letting a thin smile stretch over her mouth. 'It was.' The lie doesn't feel as heavy as the realisation that maybe this isn't quite what she wants. 

 

'Awesome,' Jonghyun says. His tone anything but. 'I hope you will be very happy together.' 

 

'I hope so too,' Kibum replies. And there is challenge in his fiery eyes; a challenge that maybe Jonghyun understands, because he meets Kibum's gaze with a steady one of his own, and lets out a discordant laugh. 

 

'You would.'

 

She thinks that maybe they've forgotten she's still there and she surprises herself when she doesn't quite feel hurt by it. Instead, she's more concerned about the hard lines on their faces as they look at each other. Her world makes more sense when Kibum and Jonghyun are bound at the hips, not when they're sniping at each other like this.

 

~-~

 

'It's going insane,' she confides in I-yeong later that night. 'I don't know what to do anymore.'

 

'Stop dating Kibum and date Jonghyun instead,' I-yeong suggests.

 

'You're crazy. Wouldn't that just have a similar effect?'

 

'Or just...tell Kibum you're not into him that way. Because you're not.'

 

'I want to be, though,' Eunmi says. 'It would be so much simpler if I just fell in love with one of them.'

 

~-~

 

It's only after three months that Eunmi builds up the courage to tell Kibum she needs time to think about it all.

 

It's been nice to be linked to one of the people so wanted, nice to be admired, envied, nice to be seen. Nice. Just...nice. It sounds plain, vanilla, boring. Like eating a tuna sandwich in the school cafeteria at lunchtime. Nice, normal, completely pleasant, utterly unexciting. She tells herself calm contentment is better than unpredictable thrills. Tells herself that they make sense, or at least, they should. Her and him, childhood friends to lovers. It makes sense. 

 

It occurs to her that if Jonghyun had asked first, she would also have readily agreed. It's a logical ending to their little story, or at least it would have been; if she had felt anything more than that lukewarm touch of friendship. Even when Kibum cards fingers through her hair and kisses her, even when he links their hands together. There are no sparks, there are no fireworks, nothing but an increasing taste of something close to disgust coiled at the bottom of her stomach. Because she doesn't want him, and she hasn't told him yet. It's too easy just to go along with it, pretend that it's something she wants too. Pretend the smiles make butterflies flutter in her chest, pretend the kisses steal her breath. Pretend she doesn't see the emptiness in Jonghyun's eyes sometimes, and the tightening of his mouth when Kibum reaches for her. Pretend she doesn't see Kibum consciously avoid looking at Jonghyun when he does these things.

 

They had made up eventually, somewhat, somewhere she hadn't seen, and could talk again, could laugh at each other's jokes, could even touch each other sometimes. But there's that look that comes into Jonghyun's eyes when Kibum reaches out for Eunmi, a look that Kibum sends him when he thinks no one is observing them. There's a stiffness in the way they talk, in the way they touch, like there's a barrier in the way. It's almost like there's an undercurrent to their interactions,  something she isn't privy to. I-yeong says Jonghyun's unexpressed feelings, Eunmi is too afraid she might be right.

 

Maybe it's partly that trace of something still undefined that pushes her to cut the relationship in the bud.

 

When she tells Kibum, he lets out an astonished laugh. 'Really?' he says. 'That's probably a rare thing for someone to say to me.' The arrogance is unnervingly comforting, better than hurt, or denial. 

 

'Most people aren't me,' Eunmi replies, and she smiles at him. 

 

He smiles back, and runs his fingers through his black hair. 'I wish you would tell me what's going on,' he says. 'We could figure it out together.' 

 

'No,' she says decisively. 'I need to settle this myself.'  _ I need to think of a way to tell you both that I do not love you that way. And more than anything I want you to love each other again. _

 

'If you're sure,' he says, and he looks at her in a way that makes her fear what she's thinking can be read off the planes of her face. 

 

'I am.'

 

~-~

 

The news of the 'break' travels around the school faster than the news of them starting something at all. Eunmi thinks people sneer at her when she's not looking, and I-yeong casually informs her they do.

 

'People really need to find better things to do with their lives,' Eunmi decides, annoyance squinting her eyes.

 

'Gossip is fun,' I-yeong says sagely. 'Judging someone else's life distracts you from paying attention to the sorry state of your own.'

 

'Is that why you do it?' Eunmi teases.

 

'Maybe.' I-yeong's tone is flippant, but there is shifting sadness behind her words. Eunmi wonders which part of I-yeong's life is in a sorry state.

 

~-~

 

She supposes she ought to feel sorry about their relationship, or whatever it was, falling into this kind of stagnancy, but all she can really bring herself to feel is an immense sense of relief. Being with Kibum had been something amazing, but ultimately felt too unreal, something that rang a misplaced note at the back of her mind. 

 

When she looks back over that blurred period of time, she remembers not only joy but also a sense of distinct unreality. Sometimes Kibum would smile at her almost too brilliantly, too happily, and it jarred her, because it seemed almost artificial, like a stage play, badly performed. Like when he reached for her hand, it was calculated; when he sent her texts, when he kissed her. Deliberated on and calculated and carefully worked out. Like she had been an experiment. And the more she thought about it, the more it felt...theatrical, amplified for the sake of an audience. 

 

Maybe the falling out with Jonghyun had affected Kibum, maybe I-yeong had been right about the tug of war, maybe she had broken something between the two of them, made them turn on each other instead of towards each other.

 

It's a dense kind of guilt, like she's being slowly smothered. And it is one she no longer intends to carry.

 

~-~

 

When Kibum's mother opens the door, she lets out a surprised sound, but it collapses into a genuine, affectionate smile. 'Ah, Eunmi-ah, it's been a while.'

 

'Jonghyun is already upstairs with Kibum,' she continues. 'I didn't know you were all planning to meet here today.'

 

Eunmi doesn't know how to say that it wasn't quite a plan, that she is only here to make sense of things with Kibum. Here to tell him that she doesn't feel that way, for him, or for Jonghyun, to tell them to go back to being friends, that she isn't worth it. It sounds terribly pretentious and arrogant, even to her own ears, and she almost lets out a laugh.

 

'Go on,' Kibum's mother says, her hands encouraging, and Eunmi thinks maybe Kibum and Jonghyun being in the same place might be a good thing.

 

~-~

 

There are angry voices coming from behind Kibum’s slightly ajar door, and for some intuitive reason, Eunmi pauses just behind it.

 

‘What do you want from me, Jjong?’ Kibum says, and it sounds exasperated.

 

‘I want you to listen to me,’ Jonghyun says. And his voice sounds like he's trying too hard to be calm, a polar opposite to the sheer agitation in Kibum’s voice. ‘I want you to listen to me when I tell you that--’ 

 

‘Don’t,’ Kibum interrupts, voice tilting up. ‘Don’t say that, don’t say anything, don’t make this, don’t make  _ us _ different.’

 

‘When you dated Eunmi, you made us different  _ first _ ,’ Jonghyun snaps back, and Eunmi hears something akin to pain seep into his voice. ‘Stop trying to avoid this, stop trying to act like it doesn't exist. Stop trying to pretend I never said anything, or changing the subject every time I try again. Just give me an answer.'

 

'Please don't,' Kibum says again, before Jonghyun can say anything more. 'Please don't change us.'

 

'We are  _ already _ changed,' Jonghyun says harshly. 'And what is this  _ us _ anyway? There  _ is  _ no us. You’re so aggravating sometimes. If the answer is no, just tell me straight. Why are you so afraid?’

 

Quick footsteps make their way to the door and Eunmi holds her breath, thoughts scattered in many directions.

 

‘Jjong!’ There is panic in Kibum’s voice and a second set of footsteps overlap with the first, more hurried, more erratic. ‘If I say no, will you leave me?’ 

 

It’s soft, but there is something heartbreaking in the question.  _ No to what exactly? _ She thinks. 

 

Someone lets out a sigh, and it sounds too close to the door for her safety. But she continues standing there anyway, sure that there is a mystery to be solved if she just waits long enough.

 

‘I wrote you a song,' Jonghyun says. 'And I wanted to sing it you on White Day, and you just-' He releases a mirthless laugh. 'I'm still here, do you think I would ever leave you?'

 

‘If,’ Kibum whispers, voice thin and shaky. ‘If I say yes, will you stay, even when it gets hard?’

 

It still doesn't quite make sense to her, not really. And yet, every word seems to mean something so very important.

 

‘What are you saying?’ Jonghyun asks. And the amount of hope in that one question is almost painful. 

 

‘If we do this,’ Kibum is still talking, almost rambling. The kind of rambling she has never heard from poised, confident Kibum before. ‘There’s a chance that you’ll want to leave me eventually, and I’m scared I’ll lose you. You’re mine, you know. Even if we’re not...anything like that right now. Or ever. But isn’t it better like this? Then I won’t ever lose you and--’

 

‘Kibum…,’ Jonghyun says, and now there is amusement tingeing the edges of his voice. 

 

‘Don’t leave me,’ Kibum says, and the almost desperation might be pitiful. ‘Don’t.’

 

‘You won’t lose me,’ Jonghyun says quietly. ‘No matter what. I promise, okay? So, tell me, what do  _ you _ want? Don’t give me the answer you think I want. Give me the answer that’s real.’

 

The resulting silence is heavy with something she doesn’t understand, but it’s the kind of something that makes her heart beat too loudly in her ears. 

 

‘I want,’ Kibum says slowly, and his exhales are audible. ‘You.’ The last word is said softer than breath.

 

‘I want you,’ he says again, and the wonder and surprise and surety lacing his words turn into knives in her side. The last few months rotate and spin in her head and then twist into different shapes; the pieces interlocking in ways that make her initial assumptions look like clumsy, childish attempts at solutions. She takes a deep breath to steady the prickling of pain and betrayal that starts from her chest. Even if she’s sure she doesn’t love them, had even come to tell them so, it still hurts a little to realize that they both hadn’t ever loved her, at least not in the way she had let herself be convinced into believing.

 

‘I want you,’ Kibum repeats a third time, as if there’re no other words he knows how to say anymore. As if that’s the only thing he’s certain about. 'And I'm  _ terrified _ , Jjong. But- I want you.'

 

The resulting silence is almost suffocating. 

 

'Kibum,' Jonghyun says, breaking the silence. 'Kibum, Kibum, Kibum.' He sounds a little like he's sobbing, like he's crying. 

 

'Stupid,' Kibum whispers, his voice low and tender. 'You big stupid. Why didn't you just give up on me?' 

 

She hears a sharp intake of breath and then a pleased hum and there is another kind of silence that descends.

 

When the silence drags on, broken only by breathless gasps and stuttering moans, it occurs to her that she now has two options; make her presence known, or sneak away. Making her presence known  _ now _ would be creepy and voyeur-ish, but Kibum’s mother knows she’s here so she can’t possibly sneak away. She’s frozen. Until she’s not, until she accidentally hits the door with her foot as she’s turning to leave and the door slowly falls open to reveal Jonghyun pressing Kibum against the side of his desk, hands up the back of his shirt; one of Kibum’s hands is tangled in Jonghyun’s hair, the fingers of his other hand digging into Jonghyun's lower back. She’s horribly sure that she glimpses Kibum’s tongue sliding into Jonghyun’s mouth.

 

‘Oh my God,’ she says out loud. 

 

Kibum’s eyes flash open first and he breaks the kiss. ‘Oh my God,’ he repeats back at her. ‘Fuck, how long have you been there?’ He pushes at Jonghyun, trying to get him off him, but Jonghyun has buried his face into Kibum’s neck and from the shaking of his shoulders, appears to be laughing. Kibum shakes his head, fond smile playing on his lips, and rests his hands absentmindedly on Jonghyun’s hips. He looks more relaxed than she's seen him in months.

 

‘Long enough,’ Eunmi replies. And then she starts laughing too, the absurdity of the situation finally hitting her. ‘Oh gosh,’ she says, almost ashamed. ‘I came here to tell you I didn’t want to date you...I thought, I thought! God, I should have figured this all out before. You’re  _ so _ obvious.’

 

‘You’re not angry?’ Kibum asks. 

 

‘No,’ Eunmi replies, confused. ‘Why would I be?’

 

‘Because I dated you to try to distract myself from this moron here?’ Kibum says, sheepish, poking at Jonghyun’s back with his fingertips. 

 

Eunmi shrugs. ‘It felt forced sometimes, almost artificial. And now, at least, I know why. I was flattered, but I wasn’t in love. We’re all good.’ She smiles. ‘Besides, it’s going to be so much fun when everyone in school finds out!’

 

‘Oh shit,’ Jonghyun groans, lifting his head. ‘I didn’t even think about that.’

 

~-~

 

‘Did you see the webpage today?’ I-yeong whisper-yells at Eunmi when she gets to school the next Monday morning. ‘Apparently everything we thought is untrue and your two Prince Charmings are  _ dating each other. _ ’

 

‘Too much gossip is bad for your health,’ Eunmi replies serenely.

 

‘But!’

 

Eunmi merely points to Jonghyun and Kibum leaning against the wall, talking quietly. ‘Doesn’t look much different from normal to me.’ 

 

‘But!’

 

‘Aww I-yeong, haven’t you learnt that not all gossip is real.’

 

However, as they watch, Kibum curls fingers around Jonghyun's jaw and tilts down to kiss him tenderly on the mouth. Jonghyun shuts his eyes and leans in closer, smiling into the kiss. I-yeong’s eyes widen and she turns to Eunmi with an accusing stare. Eunmi just laughs, and walks away from the increased, excited chatter the display had ignited. ‘Damn, I’d hoped they would hold it in longer,’ she says.

 

‘You _ knew _ .’

 

‘Of course I did.’

 

‘You didn’t tell me!’

 

‘Why should I have?’

 

‘All those poor girls and boys hoping for a chance with them. They never had a dream of that, did they?’

 

Eunmi glances back at the two boys, at their intertwined hands, at their shoulders bumping gently together, at the matching soft looks in their eyes, only given to each other. 

 

‘No,’ she says. ‘No one else ever had a chance.’

 

**Author's Note:**

> if you actually read this whole thing  
> wow thank you <3


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